Because men and women mostly don’t understand each other, I’ve come up with the 7 most popular words and phrases women use when dealing with men. So. If you’re a man I suggest you read this, memorize it, and live it. If for no other reason than your safety and quality of life.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the heck up. Immediately.
Example: Man and woman are standing in the kitchen. Woman says, “Wow, it’s really cold outside today.” Man makes a face and says, “It’s not cold; it’s balmy. There’s a huge difference between cold and balmy.” Woman suddenly wishes her know-it-all husband would die in some mysterious accident. Wife grabs the biggest knife in the drawer and begins sharpening it. “Fine,” she says as she lunges towards him.
(2) Five Minutes: If the woman is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Example: Same irritating man from example number one is pacing the bedroom and asking the woman, “How much longer? We’re going to be late for the kickoff.” Woman turns on the water to the bathtub, pours in bubble bath, grabs her book and yells back, “Five minutes!”
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”
Example: The very same man stands in the kitchen and watches out the window as the woman schlepps the trash cans to the curb without so much as a “Here honey, let me do that for you.” Woman enters the house, slams the door and heads to the fridge to fetch a bottle of wine, sighing heavily. Man looks at wife and asks, “What’s wrong?” She closes the refrigerator door, smiles at him through clenched teeth and says, “Nothing.”
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it!
Example: Same adorable woman is tired from a long day of carpool lines, toddler playdates, delivering food to the elderly, and preparing a gourmet meal for the family. Man comes in dressed in basketball gear and woman asks, “Where are you off to?” He says, “Didn’t I tell you? I’ve joined a men’s basketball league. It’s every Tuesday from 7 to 10.” She fights the urge to chop off his man parts with a butter knife, sighs and says, “But Tuesdays are the days you put the kids to bed so I can have a break.” He pouts and says, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot about that. I don’t have to go.” Wife then says, “It’s ok. Go ahead.”
(5) Loud Sigh: This isn’t actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of “nothing.”)
Example: Stupid, stupid man comes home from work and says, “I invited some of the guys over to watch the game. I hope that’s ok. You don’t have to do anything. You won’t even know they’re here. I’ll order pizza and I promise I’ll clean up and have everyone out of here by 10.” Woman says nothing, just lets out a huge sigh. He takes this as a good sign (See, I told you he was stupid).
(6) That’s OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s OK” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Example: Woman is excited about going to the hottest new restaurant in town. When the man is late getting home from work, she calls him on his cell and learns he’s still at work and won’t be home for another hour. He apologizes and promises to make it up to her. She says “That’s OK,” before hanging up and then spends the next half hour wondering what life would be like if she was married to Ryan Gosling.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you — do not question it. Just say: “You’re welcome.” (I want to add in a clause here — This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” — that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “You’re welcome” to a “Thanks a lot.”‘ That will bring on a “Whatever.”)
Example: In an attempt to make up for being a total idiot, the man takes the woman’s car and fills it up with gas. She notices this and says, “Thanks.”
-By Shauna Glenn